I’d like to be totally honest. My issue with all of this post-child sitting is not in the fact that I feel sloppy or fat or ugly. It’s not in the fact that I spend most days, until about 3:00, in exercise pants with dirty hair. It’s not in the fact that I can’t keep my nails looking nice or find the time to actually do my hair. My issue is that sometimes I just don’t feel relevant.
Let me stop you, please, before you have a chance to comment. I know that I am relevant to my little Silvia. I know that my life lived any other way would change her. I know, too, that I am relevant to Ryan…and to my parents and siblings and friends….
But since I said I’d be honest, I’ll be honest. It’s that I’m afraid that I’m losing relevancy to other people. That because I’m choosing to be home instead of in front of a TV camera right now, people will stop caring about me. Or stop wondering about me.
I’m afraid that I’m becoming irrelevant out there in the big-girl world.
So here’s how I get through ot. First, because I’m just a yoga-pants wearing mortal, I pray for guidance and a greater wisdom than I can come up with on my own. Then I look over at the sweet face of Silvia and I remember that she won’t be like this forever. We will, however, always have TVs and TV shows. There will always be jobs to be had and meetings to attend.
But this…this sweet face, as she looked up at me this morning from her snack cup and dolly, won’t be here forever.
So, I make peace with it again and again and find a thousand things to be thankful for in the stillness of the day…Silvia’s cute little bottom stuffed into her pants as she walks around the house, Ryan having a morning at home with us, and me being able to be home and finding the relevancy in just that.